Eating, Praying and Questions about Love

I consider Sunday my ultimate rest day. After being subjected to work (and sometimes personal)- related stress from Monday to Friday and doing student duties on Saturday, I take Sunday as MY day. A day to choose what time I will rise to start the day. That is why I am stunned to be awake at this hour, blogging.

My unusual Sunday did not just start with me getting out of bed before my customary waking hour, I also woke up baffled and sobbing. In my previous blog entry on Love is the Answer, I said:

"If however you have some difficulties in waking up (in the morning), then you are most likely missing something in your life or have made pretty poor decisions that you are hesitant to face."

I felt that I may be lacking something good in my life right now or am about to make an appallingly hasty decision soon, either way, I am in deep trouble. And with a heavy heart, I am pouring my mind and heart out in this blog hoping to find an explanation.

Last night I was brave enough to admit to a friend that I am confused by the many things that are running in my mind lately. What has made it different this year is that I am juggling my time and effort on work, my personal life and studies. Suddenly, I find myself swamped with overwhelming responsibilities coupled with life's ups and downs. An experience that leaves me shaken most of the time. I seem to want to do so many things but I either have no capacity or the time to be able to perform all of them. And of course there is my constant longing for stability, security and happiness.  A dilemma I share with Elizabeth Gilbert, the character Julia Roberts play in the movie Eat, Pray, Love.

My friend kept asking me after the movie what I learned or what my word was but unfortunately, I was not able to give a concrete answer. Now that I have enough time to think about it, I could have said I learned to be free. I have been so focused on keeping it all together that I seemed to have lost the real me and now, I crave for freedom.

Coincidentally, I was able to EAT, LOVE and PRAY, in this particular order, yesterday.  

EAT. In the morning, I enjoyed goto, tokwa't baboy and pizza in our class merienda. At lunch, I was treated to a wonderful meal for the first time by a prominent classmate. I was the only girl in the group of five (at that time) but them boys did not for a second make me feel out of place. I had a crab and mango salad and few bites of sweet cakes. After that I had coffee and a slice of carrot loaf with a friend in a coffee shop. While watching the movie, we had popcorn and had an almost Italian dinner after. I always think I was born to eat, hence my monicker Growing Kid. The movie Eat, Pray, Love says that we should not be afraid to eat and forget about watching those stressful calories and carbs. This does not mean having an epicurean feast but rather just appreciating the food you take in every moment.

LOVE. I really can't think of a concrete way of putting what I felt about love yesterday but it was simply overpowering. From my dogs wanting to be with me in the morning, my classmates loving the lucid AVP I integrated for our group presentation, the plain food that my mom prepared for us, and to the great time I had with a friend last night. I was in a sense dumbfounded. But in the movie, I learned a lot about love and loving. The movie taught me not to be afraid and be strong. It emphasized a quote in the book which says, “In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.” In so many ways, this quote is so relevant to me which I intend to elaborate a little toward the end of this blog.  

PRAY. I returned home an hour before midnight and I prayed. I prayed mostly to thank God for his blessings and to help ease my confusion. When we pray, we usually pray for ourselves, our family and friends. The movie made me see another aspect of prayer that I have yet to experience. I realized that praying is also a good form of meditation that can release stress, rest our mind and nourish our soul. After watching the movie, it made me really want to push my plans to go to India next year, find myself an ashram, pray and meditate to find peace and balance. I think my take-home from the film was really to take a break from my busy life and try the easy meditation taught by an Indonesian medicine man which is simply to smile, a genuine smile from inside.

But it really was not the movie that yanked me out of bed at 4:00 in the morning, it is something that I have been going through lately that I need to resolve. In fact, the movie which I thought would help me sort out my troubled heart confused me even more. I remember blogging about Infidelity somewhere in cyberspace around February 2006 where I said that Infidelity is a sign that something is wrong in a relationship. It usually happens when you feel that you are with the wrong person, and when the assuming "right person" comes along, that is when the temptation is so hard to resist. This morning, in between sobs, I was praying and asking myself if I am in fact breaching faith or falling out? Could happy moments with someone I have just known for a short time replace the long years of perceived happiness? Was I really happy all those years or am I just desperately in love? I know that no one could answer these questions (and more) for me however, I eagerly need help. I wept because I am afraid.   

Clearly, I am only human. I am not spared from the difficulties of life. Despite my aim of infusing inspiration to many who read my blog, I too am in constant battle for happiness and content. But however tough and complicated my life seems to be, I never cease to remind myself that there are always other things in life greater than the complications I am experiencing where I can focus my attention. After all, this is just the way the cookie crumbles!

Love is the answer

What do you want to see when you wake up in the morning? 

A question bestowed upon us by Professor Corazon Alma De Leon this morning. As I pondered about this, initially, I thought of an ideal state: serenity. A world without chaos, war, poverty or famine. A perfect place to live, a paradise so to speak. But let's face it, utopia - a state of things in which everything is perfect - does not actually exist. 

Now that I thought about it much longer, I would really want to see the ceiling of my room instead of the underside of a coffin lid when I wake up in the morning. I want to wake up in the same bed I slept in. In other words, I want to see a new life, a new day each time I wake up. I want to see my mom and brother and my two dogs, Kami and Egoy, alive and well. I want a view of the sky and look at the flowers and the trees in our so called garden. More importantly, I want to wake up every morning, breathe and see the wonders of God's creation. My dusty sea shell wall clock, the teddy bear prints of my blanket, my dilapidated cabinet, my cluttered study table and my filthy electric fan. Just by being able to see these imperfections, I am reminded of the blessing of life I receive from God each day. 

I know most of us are uncomfortable looking at ourselves in the mirror when we wake up in the morning simply because we are reluctant to see our (physical) flaws. On the contrary, I like seeing these flaws for they are indications that the world I am in is far from an inception or an imagination. If you have created an overall love filled, love oriented life; waking up in the morning and looking into those smiling loving eyes and facing your self created life is pleasant again and again. If however you have some difficulties in waking up, then you are most likely missing something in your life or have made pretty poor decisions that you are hesitant to face.

I am very grateful to have heard Ava Cariquez speak about her self created life this morning in class. Her unusual life experiences and how she faced them was very inspiring. Her story led me to believe that we truly are the masters of our lives. We each create our own eternal happiness, we are the "captain of our soul" and hence the master of our future as well. If our present is pleasant then the hours and the day after waking up is as pleasant as you have made them and whatever is pleasant to you will be pleasant to all. Being in prison for eleven (11) years changed Ava as a person. From someone who do not see life's worth, her daughter's death and being sentenced to reclusion perpetua led Ava to become a woman for others. Saying that life is difficult for Ava is an understatement being perhaps the only Atenean who was affirmed of the sentence and placed in the women's correctional for a crime (parricide) she had no recollection of committing. It is really tough to be fully receptive to enjoy, create and improve on our joy day by day given the problems we face. But we have to recognize that each time we wake up in the morning is a possible door to another happy day full of new and exciting adventures. If you create the basis of such joy and happiness by adding love in what you do, you create a life of your own. Ava's story taught me to improve on love in my life by developing a true spirituality and an intimate relationship with God and all of his creations. It is my responsibility to create my own satisfying life. It is a divine duty to either be delightful to everyone or ensure that no one ever gets bothered by my being unhappy or annoyed and my constant complaining. Moreso, it is a divine and moral obligation to be a source of joy to all mankind, animals, nature, and to God as well. God gave us equal resources and equal potential. The difference we see among us is simply a result or expression of the misuse of such equal chances and potential. For Ava who accepted all challenges in her life, she was able to see and value the simple joys of life. With that I discovered that the faster you accept all the challenges given to you, the more experiences and skills you will have and the stronger and more sweet your life will be.

From all the things I noticed and heard today, I realized that life is an awful big adventure and I have to be willing to take risks or try out new methods, ideas or experiences in order to see its value. Mainly,  amidst the hullabaloo, I am still able to stand up and say, that's the way the cookie crumbles. But above all, I fathomed that love is truly the answer. Love for myself and love for others. Love is what I would really like to see when I wake up in the morning.

My Teacher, My Hero

Today we appreciate the role of teachers worldwide with enthusiasm as we celebrate World Teacher's Day. In the Philippines, the Department of Education launches the My Teacher, My Hero campaign where everyone is encouraged to say thank you to a particular teacher who made an impact or difference in their life. In this modern age, blogging and social networking sites are expected to take a lead role in getting this message of gratitude across, precisely why I am blogging about it now.  

Similar to the Overseas Filipino Workers (OFWs), Filipino teachers are regarded as modern-day heroes thus their efforts also merit a nationwide celebration. In a country where public education is a continuing struggle, teachers have the most grueling task of educating more than hundreds of students everyday. More often than not, they do this in an environment non-conducive to learning and with a minuscule salary. Oftentimes, they even double as food preparer for their school's feeding program. Everyday is a constant fight for security, given the incidence of kidnappings in the South and isolated cases of killings. Yet despite the precarious living, Filipino teachers would shrug off saying, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. For me, teachers are still one of the most dedicated and committed workers you could find. To such a great extent, teachers bring out the best in us and inspire us to be hardworking. If you ask kindergarten students what they like to be when they grow up, you will find teachers on top of the list. That is how great a teacher's influence is on us.  

I believe at one point we all have teacher's blood running in our veins. We all want and aspire to become teachers in our own little way. May it be by teaching our children good manners, mentoring a cousin, sharing life lessons to a neighbor, demonstrating how to apply make up to a friend or through blogging or twitting a scripture passage to all of our friends. Part of us yearns to make a difference, a quality that teachers naturally possess. Last year, we saw this inspiration come to life in Efren Peñaflorida, who started a "pushcart classroom" in the Philippines to bring education to poor children as an alternative to gang membership. His teacherly efforts named him 2009 CNN Hero of the Year. 

Happy Teacher's Day Ms. Windsor!

For me, a good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others. A metaphor I associate with my third year High School homeroom adviser and English professor, Ms. Bernadette Windsor. After more than a decade of not seeing her, her face is the only one I vividly remember among all of my teachers. A powerful testament of the impression she left on me. From her I learned to come to class prepared, physically (standing up for the entire period for not reading the assignment) and mentally (getting an "A" in recitation). At 14, she taught me good grooming (by bringing a nail cutter to class during inspections), proper conduct (by giving me dagger looks when I misbehave) and that Anne Boleyn is one of the many wives of Henry VIII. An authoritarian with high expectations of compliance and conformity to rules and directions, I learned a great deal of discipline and in effect basic work ethics. Some may not appreciate her teaching method but she made a difference in my life as she pushed me to become a better student and eventually the person that I am today. With that, I am forever indebted to her tenacity.  

I assert that teaching is the profession that teaches all the other professions. Now I am not surprised why many aspire to become teachers regardless of the complications. I am one of them. But until I gain enough courage to inspire other people, I will use my talent to acquire a greater understanding of the world and share it to as many people as I can. Hoping that someday I will be someone else's unsung hero.

Genesis

Everything has its origin, we know this from a fact. From the various creation theories of the world down to the legends we grew up in, we believe that nothing came to existence without a source. Some might rebuke or oppose this statement but I know most will concur that everything is created. Today is nothing special in Philippine History but it marks for me a beginning, an origin.

Reading a friend's most recent blog entry made me reminiscent of the times when I used to regularly maintain a journal of my own. Today is mostly my recognition of a common Filipino phrase we can all relate with:

"Kung kaya niya, kaya ko din."

It has been a while since I started writing my thoughts online, four (4) years ago to be exact. I remember my friends and I used to own a private online journal only we can access. Malditas, as we call our journal, aimed to bring us together despite the physical distance separating the three of us. The online group journal served its purpose unfortunately, we were only able to sustain the journal for a year. We continued to rely on YM and Facebook to keep in touch. Then I tried Friendster's blogging capability as a personal journal, sadly, it suffered the same fate as the Malditas' journal. I guess it is safe to say that both have long been deep-sixed. In a sense, this initial blog entry did not spring from oblivion. I have these two online journals, though abandoned, to validate my earlier assertion.

As I look back on my previous journals and attempt to look into my blogging future, I realize that blogging is a life commitment. I have to commit my precious time and my puny creative talent in making this possible. The success of my blog lies on keeping it regularly updated, relevant and alive. Something I see as a BIG challenge for a time juggler like me especially faced with stringent work and graduate school deadlines. I do hope that my training in time management and discipline as a student athlete six (6) years ago is enough to support the momentum or interest.

Like the Genesis story of creation, I would like to think that my blogging world is a process. I, as the creator, would also need a few more days to get it up and running. It will be a work in progress, not perfect and unending. A personal journal that would portray in a few image and words how everything that exist in this world go. Through my words, allow me to communicate the obvious; confirm or deny; uncover the big picture; create discourse; show the zests in life and the human side of every story. I aspire that everyone and not just Bruce Almighty will see that this is the way the cookie crumbles.